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How to Deal With a Noisy Neighbour
I have spent the day looking like Gordon Ramsay’s stubbed toe. While this may appeal to the foot fetishists out there who have a penchant for angry chefs, it doesn’t really go with the majority of my...
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Bodies Die, Stupidity Lasts Forever
In a bid to avoid becoming as one with my sofa (a terrifying thought considering the sofa once contained the ragged undergarments of a previous tenant) I took myself to the Museum of London to see the...
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The Atrocity That is Birthday Cake
It is a well documented fact that while The Queen has two birthdays a year and dogs have 7 birthdays a year (or however that works), I don’t have any birthdays at all. I gave them up in a bid to remain...
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PFPT Picnic Bingo
Is there anything more delightfully British than when, upon the arrival of temperatures over 12 degrees, the nation floods the public areas of the land to picnic en mass? Whether you fire up the rusty...
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PFPT’s Top Interview Tips
If you wish to secure the funds necessary for such life essentials as a roof, underpants and breakfast wine, you will need a job. Sadly they stopped giving these out free in cereal boxes due to health...
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To Sleep Perchance to Drool on a Stranger
My headphones were defunct this morning, owing to an errant little rubber thingy (technical term) and so I was forced to endure the sound of *gulp* real people. This is a well documented horror and has...
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Horrifying Bodies
There seems to be an astonishing craze that has swept the UK, where people, so desperate to make their name in the world, whore themselves to the pimp-Gods of reality TV. We have had them in all their...
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Why I Want to be Reincarnated as an Estate Agent
I don’t really have strong beliefs about reincarnation either way, but today I’m going to take the stance that I do believe, and on this proviso, I dearly hope that in my next whirlwind trip of this...
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The Office Armageddon
It was a morning just like any other. Breakfast wine and double Bran Flakes had been consumed, red lipstick slicked where red lipstick slicks and shoes of towering elegance donned. I made my way to the...
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The PFPT Street Harassment Quiz
Being a female of the 21st century pretty much automatically qualifies me as a feminist (believing that women should vote and be allowed to eat food etc), however, I’m not a very ardent ragey one and...
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Sometimes an Egg Just Needs to Be an Egg
Food. It’s so basic and essentially simple; the nutritional components of it are why we need it and the fact it tastes relatively pleasant is why we enjoy it. So why then, do the chefs and marketing...
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Doggy Style
People who own dogs love their pets. Some love their pet way more than is appropriate when it comes to the tongue-to-mouth scenario, in my opinion (that tongue has been wrapped round a poodle anus,...
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(Not such a) Lady and The Tramp
The air was oppressively hot, like the whole of London was a locked car, hungry for dogs to stifle. There was no breeze to offer relief and the only things that moved fast were the trickles of...
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Religion and Wasps
There are certain things that should never be discussed in polite company: religion, politics and the state of one’s bowel movements. Unfortunately for some, my definition of polite company is rather...
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The English Approach to Accepting Compliments
There are few things lovelier than being given the unexpected gift of vast sums of cash. Second to this is the joy of being given the unexpected gift of a compliment. Being told by another person that...
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The Joy of MP3: Remastered
This post marks my 2nd blogiversary. That’s 2 years exactly since a drunken dare turned into my first ever post, launched onto the internet amid a haze of hangover, nerves and wind. Well, in honour of...
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Tweenage Trollops
On my daily travels around the fine town of London, I have noticed a sudden eruption of a people attired in a way which offends my sensibilities; buttocks poking cheekily from denim hot pants,...
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The Mysterious Cure for Fainting
For a while last year I suffered a series of seemingly random fainting spells. No doctor could find a cause and no cure, in spite of several “helpful” amateur suggestions, could be found. My life, it...
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Rapunzel, Rapunzel, Pack It In!
Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair. On second thoughts, would you mind not? You see, you’re swishing it about and it’s touching me and that makes me feel the sort of nauseous rage that usually...
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Emotional Masturbation
Please excuse the ugly term ‘emotional masturbation’, but it fits so poetically and succinctly with the phenomenon I wish to derail this week. It’s almost self explanatory, leaving little need for me...
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